The Edgy Dreamer

People only seriously consider change when they feel accepted for exactly who they are.
- Carl Rogers

…and that means you accepting yourself as-is, mmmm, kind of like that last used car you bought (- in ‘as is’ condition)…ok, so the lighter didn’t work, was that a deal breaker (no) and the left brake light still has a short in it requiring replacement fo the bulb constantly (ah, yes, I bitched about that but – yeah, not a deal breaker) you get the gist, so you yourself have got a few minor details that could use perfecting but are not truly deal breakers so why not accept fully? Then - if you change well, lord a mighty (hahaha, just had to use that line, a huge black man said that as I walked by the other day, I couldn’t stop laughing then and I’m having a hard time even now) – you change, and you and the world will then accept the new you…

One thing is sure (oh yes, death and taxes also) – life is full of change, then stasis, then change, then stasis…and you are ever evolving, with short plateuas in between (stasis) so everyone including you can fully embrace and accept the you that you are and will keep becoming …

Do you have a visual/visceral on who that is?

OK, I’m am out of here – now!\

Till tomorrow, Luv, Zen Lill

The infamous AE quote:

‘The world is a dangerous place not because of of those who do harm, but because of those who look at it without doing anything’

Albert Einstein, who may very well be the last person who ever had an original thought said the above…so it seems time to ask ourselves a Q: are we just ‘looking at it without doing anything’ in regards to – oh let’s see – how about….

Iran?! Though - I do agree with Obama that we need to let them sort things within the supreme circle and the regime by themselves or we risk our usual heavy-handed Western ways happening again. Not going to happen under this man’s watch, and good on him for making that decision. He delivered that and other opinions in an articulate and compassionate manner (so as an aside, I have to tell you: I would love to meet the man, I’m kind of half in love with him after listening to him speak yesterday morning, but more on this later in post ; ) So, re: Iran, I’m OK with a holding pattern till further notice.

How about – oh – North Korea, you know – that loaded cannon of a country with a loaded cannon of a leader, hmmm, should we do something before he goes off his nanner and endangers his people and potentially much more? My guess is that launching missiles is just his beginning…

There are numerous other issues, global and domestic, that I sit here wondering about, could we/should we step in and do something, not so much as an ‘American’ but just as a human (or a world citizen).

If there was one issue that just verbalizing your two cents worth about made a difference, what one issue would you pick - right now? I’m just curious…mostly bc it’s very hard for me to pick just one, there are so many obvious ‘loss of humanity’ events going on, where do you start…and…that is why I am asking you…

Till the morrow, peeps : ) Luv, Zen Lill

PS the other scoop on Obama, I loved the Q&A answer to a stupid Q about his smoking habit, he called out the reporter (in a witty way) for even asking and then he gave a legitimate and self-compassionate answer (one that I would say fits my ocassional stress smoking situation).  

**commenter, Zinjin, dig the name…yes, I have lots coming up for you in that ‘department’ keep on tuning in. & you’re right, even though it isn’t clear what I was being kind to Gerorge about, I was much too kind to him, the man is a lost cause I am sorry to say. I won’t be bothering myself further to assist in any evolving that man’s going to do, it may not even happen for him in this lifetime. I say this based on a comment George made after yesterday’s post. I’m done…

FYI….I will be responding to commenters at the end of daily posts from now on, got the word that it confuses some of you to see it first up here, copy that ; ) and by the way, Kelly - yes, my site is copyright protected, thanks for asking, if there is something you wanted to reprint or give me ‘link love’ just let me know…and I apologize for my explanation yesterday, I would write (and do) whether I was paid or not but since I do not have to sometimes I choose not to, George was the only one who stated, ‘write everyday, woman’ followed by ’some of that sexy talk’ still waiting for you to explain exactly what you’re finding sexy, and you and I know you’re a racist, sexist and probably another -ist, but I want to apologize if I seemed harsh yesterday, no one ever evolved that was not shown some compassion, so you have mine, but please in the interim (while you’re evolving) think before you write to me, deal?

Ok, now for the (somewhat) daily feed ; )

Scanning ‘The Week’ magazine I stumbled on this little tid-bit about women and happiness…

Now, you could argue that we should’ve and could’ve had the vote prior to the Suffragettes and all that, but I’m going to let that part of the convo rest and just write the opening sentence, ‘…by virtually every measure, American women are better off today than they were 30 years ago…they’re healthier, wealthier and better educated…’ citing that they can leave husbands, sue sexist bosses, and ‘enjoy unprecedented control over their own fertility’ and yet…

A study found over the past few decades (oh a caveat here, always think about who’s conducting the ’study’ and for what purpose, bc statistically speaking, you can pretty much ‘prove out’ most theories, that being said…) women were found to be, less happy as self-reported ‘both absolutely and relative to men’ (meaning exactly?) Is it the decline of the two parent family, sexual mores or the ’second shift’ they ask, oh and second shift is when women get home from their full time work and do double duty cooking/cleaning/etc…(who are these women though? Don’t they know to just ask their hubby/kids to do stuff to help?? But, anyway…)

Apparently, for thousands of years women held value and identity by their sole important role: bearing and raising kids, and overnight feminism and modern contraception suddenly allowed women to choose one of their many alternative options.  You won’t find many women who want to be back in the ‘barefoot and pregnant’ days but now, women feel they have been liberated to compete with everyone and expectations are so much higher. Hmmm…not sure I agree with the competitive thing but I am a different kind of female, I only compete with me : )

But let me alert you to the competition ’stakes’ – competing with men for the next promotion (yes, this happens), competing with Angelina Jolie to look really sexy (ha! She’s totally all that but I don’t care, why should I? I have no such competitive female need), competing with every mom to be the perfect parent (oh, this I’m definitely not, but I do deeply love and am deeply loved in return by my sweet little offspring), and compete with Mother Theresa for goodness and compassion (I am so left out of the Mother Theresa category! but I’m as good and compassionate as I am capable of expressing…)

Ok, so their point: It’s tough to be happy when your always coming up short.

Then this article stated this: ‘…then again, the real problem might be that women tend to brood and think too much…’ (We do??? Not sure I knew that…) and then they added this – which amused me to no end – ‘maybe the cavewomen gazed across the roasting mastedon at their mates 50,000 years ago and wondered, is that all? maybe we’ve always wondered that, now we feel free to say it out loud…’

I only know how my mind works, with its female tendencies (or not) and I can fester/whip up a situation if I want to, but mostly – these days I tend to grant the benefit of the doubt and/or move on quickly. Life is short and I can’t (don’t want to) hang out with myself when I’m fuming over some perceived slight that I won’t even remember by weeks’ end. If a given situation is that bad, well…you won’t ever see it but I’m likely to talk out loud to myself to preclude the ‘whip up’ factor. I hide in my car and do this chatting, shouting, etc…hee hee.

What do you think…is brooding a female thing to do?? Are the women you know generally unhappy??

I’m outta here now! It’s beauty-mus outside today and I’ve got to get some of that ; ) 

**Commenters – I must sift through 236 emails now, half of which are spam, I am working hard on ridding myself of this nonsense, please bear with me if I don’t address you right away, that’s you Al a mode ; ) I cracked up at your Palin remark, I am that opposed to her being in the presidential office, but Letterman got a bit sexist on her and her daughter, not cool with me either.

Caio, Luv, Zen Lill

**commenter Alex (and ‘gentlemen prefer blondes’ George) et al – I don’t get paid to write so I write when  I write, and although I try to blog Mon-Fri sometimes I get busy. It’s not your biz what I’m busy doing : ) and I’ll tell you what, next time send a suggestion of what you want me to write about. I hear ‘talk more about sex/relationships’ all the time from other men and women – (George, what is ’sexy talk’ exactly?) guess they like my perspective – and I do, too. So, I will try to oblige that request soon. Not sure when – so stay tuned…

**low hanging fruit – listen if you like yourself that way, then by all means, carry on ; ) I feel I must say this though: if you think your low hanging fruit just bc you dig sex (doesn’t everyone?) then maybe you are ‘dangerously unhinged’ emotionally – don’t take that too seriously, I just heard that term the other day and felt compelled to use it, I just love that – ‘dangerously unhinged’ – wow, we’ve all met someone that fits that description, haven’t we?! ahhahaha…

OK, I’ll quit having so much fun now and post the (somewhat) daily entry…I’ve no idea why #3 & #4 moved to the end of the one-liner’s but I couldn’t fix it so please just deal, thank you.

Today - it’s a good day/time out to check in on where your at : )

Read the following and see what parts resonate with you and what parts do not…I loved it all but I am a sucker for one-liner truisms as I see them bc life is short (even though it can seem long at times) and in the end, at the end of the day, at that swan song, you get to look back and say – hmmm, what am I thinking of at the end of my day? (other than, can I please have just one more day)

I think #1 is true, the only one I dislike is #6, I want whoever I’m arguing with to agree with me in the end, hahaha, just kidding…or maybe I’m not…hmmm…

Whatever…here is the short list of ‘truisms’

 This just in on e-mail…sent by a male…I won’t say who…

Read it and identify who you are : )

Women, if you are low hanging fruit, there’s time to change ; )

Men, if you haven’t been stomped yet, can you do some of that yourself, we women get tired of having all the fun ; ) not to mention all the energy output required…

Now, my disclaimer: women, this is something of a cute joke, I am in no way suggesting or condoning waiting for any man to do anything so you can acknowledge yourself as a total winner. We need not be defined by the man we keep company with or whether we decide to keep company with them at all. And, for all I know, you may be consciously choosing to be happily manless and single, that’s not what we’re talking about here, like I said, just an observational jokey ; )

Men, it is a little bit of poking fun at your expense but – well, it was sent by a male who thought it quite clever, so complain to him if you don’t like the joke sentiment, ok?

…and here it is…Apples and Wine…

Women are like apples in a tree. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Men don’t want to reach for the high ones bc they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren’t as good, but easy. the apples at the top think there’s something wrong with them, when in reality, they’re amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Men…now, men are like a fine wine. they begin as grapes and it’s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they’re something acceptable to have dinner with. 

Cute, right? Or no?

…and that’s a wrap, have a great day, Luv, Zen Lill

PS – I’m thinking I should make some commentary about Iran and the I’m-a-dinnah-jacket controversy, now there’s one seriously rigged election…I’m sad for the people of Iran, especially that under 30 crowd that obviously voted for his opponent, and you know I’m going to say this so out with it – it’s the women who will suffer most, trust me on this…

*Yes, this site is copyrighted and I said so, there you have it.

**AL a mode’ – oh man, I do not know why loaded women would not want to step forward and make a statement for global sisters, too afraid to lose their standing in the financial world by backing an unpopular topic? Fear of cloutish men giving them backtalk and backlash? Not sure, shall I contact some bils women and do some sleuthing?? Sounds like something I’d do, also sounds like fun attempting to get through their ‘gatekeepers’ doors also, hahaha…but I am good on the phone, hmm, maybe I can fit that in next week. Here, as everywhere – it is about the money and possibly some other factors including the ones mentioned above.

**Kelly, yes, my site is copy right protected and yes, i need to post that somewhere, and I will, thank you for asking. You may do some ‘link love’ with my site if that suits you or e me privately to discuss anything else, lillian.devin@gmail.com

**Bella, (pretty in Italian) no I have not tried Vigorelle. I’m not a spokesperson for ‘keeping it hot’ products but there are plenty out there, if you and your man are interested, googie it, lots of info out there, have fun! Yes, I am seriously pissed that insurance companies fund Viagra and give women a hard time about birth control pills, you’ve got old fuckers getting their softening peckers funded, meanwhile working women are outputting cash to the tune of $30+ a month to keep themselves from having unwanted pregnancies, most of the men getting them preggers really don’t want children that bad either, so uh, it’s a bit unfair in my mind, fund women first (since babies, wanted and unwanted is a bigger issue) or fund both, I say women first and wood for all men second ; )

**John, I cannot make it, and I think I’ve mentioned it before here, no matter what I talk about, I do not mind a respectful request, question or remark but the forum is here, I do not ever meet any commenters live, male or female, capice? No offense, that’s just how I roll… ; )

**there were a few other comments re: Viagra/Birth Control, seems a lot of you agree with me, thanks for your support on this topic and to the males who responded, I know you may have tuned in bc you thought I was going to chat about sex, hee hee, but I apprecaite that you understand the issue and agree, better that some men get it than none at all, now go tell your male friends please…?

Ok, yes…another beauty day in So Cal so I am outta here to go enjoy it!

Catch you manana…Luv, Zen Lill

Yes, I looked up the list of the world’s richest women, the billionaires, most are heiresses, but working with inherited companies or not, they still hold clout – and what are they doing with all that financial clout? 

I wanted to see where their interests in utilizing their cash and/or clout were, what carrying serious clout looked like; I was seriously dissappointed…

…well, wait, OK, most had some area of philanthropic voice and yes, supporting education and water sanitizing and such all are useful, admirable and agreeably, make the world a ‘better place’ – hmmm, but not one held any political aspirations that could truly help their own gender reach equal status in the most basic arenas: rights over their own bodies (as easy birth control and pregnancy termination as men have to getting viagra and cialus, etc…), equal pay for equal work, nor did these women seek to stop violence against women the world over…

Wow, not one is interested in supporting or at least being vocal about any of the above?

…btw, only one had political aspirations and she worked within the Mccain camp, eyeyiyi…but on second thought, I’m sure a billionaire regardless of gender is going to support what they believe to be the more fiscally responsible party…ahem…where’ve ya been the past eight baby?

But how disappointing, no? Bc you better believe that I’d be working that dough and clout to make some changes and I’d do it in a way that would have men supporting it and getting all indignant on my gender’s behalf, too…yep, I’m that good - hahaha…

So, listen – if you’ve got a few ‘bills’ at your disposal and want to watch, hand them over and watch me (oh wait, you don’t mind if I spring for a new Porsche Boxster before I get going running my jaw ragged for my cause though, do you?) hahaha…

Or hey, you could just watch this video…’I am a billionaire’…I found the first part of it a bit trite – although the way she pronounces the word motto as mOtO is worthy of a chuckle - you might want to skip forward to minute/second 2:42…she presents a perspective that leaves me not even wanting that boxster anymore bc I probably drove much finer cars in my prior life as a billionaire (yeah, right…)

oh, c’mon – +fingersnap+ – relax it’s just a game ; )

Enjoy the weekend…I know I have some game-playing to do : ) - Luv, Zen Lill

Listen - there’s nothing I’d like better than to return each private comment with a response but this time, I’m going to pass on writing each commenters name bc several of you sent the same if not just similar thoughts (see why I believe in a collective consciousness now?) – so I will just address the ideas you sent. re: blog entry http://www.lilliandevin.com/2009/06/08/whats-up-my-fellow-females/ fr Mon, June 8.

…I had my own thoughts/ideas that were along the same route (and some that weren’t), I just didn’t write em’ that day, I also did not give a preface or much background to the story and I will apologize for that, along with giving you this excuse : ) I try to keep my writes to about 500 words mostly bc I know that the average attention span is about 30 seconds or so, tee hee, unless there is one killer story being told I will be clicked out quick to eBay – so I tend to pre-edit, this time I wish I didn’t, hahaha…

SooOOOooo, that being said, name calling and I am clearly referring to the ever popular usage of ‘evil whore’ from a few days ago…so hmmm, let’s define terms here, shall we?

Evil: morally wrong or bad; immoral; wicked; harmful; injurious; characterized or accompanied by misfortune or suffering; unfortunate; disastrous; due to actual or imputed bad conduct or character; marked by anger, irritability, irascibility, etc…

Ok, first of all, I like wicked, hahaha, that word makes me want to toss back my head and cackle : ) and the ‘marked by anger or irritability’ part, well, hmmm, that means we can all be a little ‘evil’ on some days, now can’t it? But – let’s get to the whore definition, what a great word…‘you’re such a whore’ or ‘hey whore’ or even ‘yo slut’ was funny inner circle slang amongst me and my girls in high school - but let’s ask Webster since he/she is so much more refined than I will ever be (or want to be, thank you very much)…

Whore: a woman who engages in promiscuous sexual intercourse, usually for money; prostitute; harlot; strumpet; corrupt; debauch.

Tip: want to sound refined while name-calling, try ‘you, my dear, are an injurious strumpet’ tee hee…

…and the ‘politics’ part? the usage I’m thinking of is ‘playing politics’ defined as ‘to deal with people in an opportunistic, manipulative or devious way, as for job advancement’  (and ZL, that’d be me, adds: or for strictly personal gain)

Now with all those definitions thrown out there I’m going to stand by my acquaintances usage with a few caveats (I’ll give them in a mo’ let me complete this thought first) - when she said, ‘evil whore’ I took the intuitive route (though I did question the harsh terminology, I admit it) that she meant more along the lines of ‘…a user of bad conduct/character to no good end but her personal gain at the expense of another…(this particular man’s good nature for starters)’ - which, if you think about it, is a bit like being harmful, corrupt and debaucherous i.e. evil whore, no? : )

Ahahaha…well, albeit harsh terminology as it is/was - I did understand the underlying basis for the statement and (here comes that caveat: and yes, perhaps a bit of her own reflection/mirror of herself and her mistrust of her gender shining thorugh and yes, she has a background that would perhaps support that personal world view) the underpinnings of the name calling, upon examination, concludes for me that it’s all in a name and the nomenclature used here was just a bit over the top for the everyday Joe/Jane’s ears…

So, which sounds better to you? An ’injurious opportunist?’ or an ’evil whore?’ 

…and by the way, whore’s are business women, just bc you don’t like the idea of it doesn’t mean it isn’t so…just a thought…I know that’s inviting trouble just saying that…hahaha, but trouble is my middle name ; )

I’m not usually a name caller – on any given day, I’ll just tell you what I think of your ideas and you can decide what you are, how’s that? hahaha….!

Your thoughts/comments/(‘name’ for me, hahaha) – click and comment or e me at lillian.devin@gmail.com

Luv, Zen Trouble Lilli – ah, go ahead and try to visualize the wicked laugh I am having RIGHT now

PS – Commenters on yesterday’s post, thank you for the kind words re: loss of my friend, it’s given me a idea, to write about loss…bc it happens to everyone eventually and sometimes when you think there are no words, there are some that actually are comforting…so thank YOU for the inspiration.

…still nappy-headed from sleep I recalled a day or an event I should say from 5 years earlier, the train of sleepy thought went like this…

duuuh, where is my mother’s wedding band that she gave me, I haven’t seen it in a while (prompted by looking at the rings I do wear regularly sitting precariously at the edge of the sink), next thought: I should really fix my ring drawer, it’s disorganized and then…I flashed on the one ring I look at almost daily…it’s a large, too large for me – silver ring. It’s not a design I care for and it is beat to shit looking bc the wearer of this ring loved it so…and I loved her so. So - now I have it, to remember her by (I really didn’t need anything material to generate a memory of her but her mother asked me if I wanted something, I chose this ring bc I know by how often and how long she’d worn it for, that it embodied her) and well, sometimes small items of significance to another can generate their image, scent, voice and I do love that…

I’m off-track with my topic now, so even though all that was relevant, let me get back on (track), five years ago, on Sept 15, my Friend, Claudia, died of brain cancer after a year long illness. A month prior to her death I received a phone call from her mother inviting me to a ‘living eulogy.’ My first question: does Claudia know about this?! She said, ‘yes she seemed to be lucid when her pyschologist suggested it….’ Hhhmmm, ‘well, Ok, when is it?’ I asked. ‘Friday’ she said. It was Tuesday, I live in Southern California, Claudia was in a hospice located in Branford, Connecticut.

When I walked in, there were a dozen people there, all women except Claudia’s brother…her sister-in-law, her mother, her ‘other’ BFF (best friend forever) and several women that all knew her from work for only the past 2-3 years…the other BFF and I had recently befriended each other over Claudia’s illness at my request, I live too far away to visit and didn’t want to bug her mother with daily calls re: her status so I’d asked Lisa, the other BFF, if I could call her.  We’d spoken daily since then, mostly about Claudia but we were getting close and digging it. We’d always asked after each other through Claudia but never spent any time together…

We were struck by how many recent and only work friends she had, were we her only lifers? were we the only ones she’d gathered as trust-worthy over the years? We were it?? At once I was flattered and then sad, flattered to be a ‘chosen one’ sad bc I lived so far away (though she’d spent several years being my neighbor here in California before she chose to divorce and return to CT where we grew up) and in recent years only spent time on the phone every now and again.

Woman after woman stood up to tell a story about Claudia and when it came my turn I couldn’t do it, I cried and shook my head, pointing at the next person. After all were done and went over to the refreshment table I walked over to Claudia’s bed. She said, ‘I couldn’t hear your story,’ I said I didn’t tell one bc nobody would get it, and then I told her a story (about us getting busted skipping school by my father, who looked absolutely massive in his police uniform and big black leather jacket, yeah especially when you’re cowering in the corner of your closet, hahaha) and she laughed and laughed…it was great…her psychologist was snapping pics of us, I gave him the stink eye, he walked away.

I fed her some canoli that I’d brought, it’s her fave desert, mine, too…and then I asked, ‘how was this, this – uh – party’ She looked at me and said, ‘this living eulogy, you mean?’ I nodded, feeling slightly lame for even bringing it up. We held serious eye contact, and then she said, ‘how do think it feels? it sucks’ 

- yes, I bet it does suck to be called upon to die at such an early age, I know it sucked to have to watch and it sucked to have to feel that loss…still does…

Btw, I’d remained resolutely in denial about her impending death until it was told to me as second hand info from a nurse friend of a friend that ‘your friend is toast’ – nice wording for a health care professional (is this person a human?)…

Ok, so wasn’t that story uplifting? No…? well, life isn’t always uplifting.

The moral of the story: feed your friends canoli often : )

Hasta manana, Luv, Zen Lilli