Paging my sense of humor…hello…??

Oh, it’s not totally lost just in some aspects of my life. There’s no point elaborating, it’ll pass…but when someone like me loses their sense of humor even in one area of life, I can’t help but think I need an attitude adjustment. And, oh to be sure, there’s some fences requiring mending, oh boo freakin’ hoo…

When you head down that path you also have to ask yourself, what role did I play in F**king things up to begin with and frankly, at the moment I just don’t feel like going there. Oh but I know from experience that’s the best time for to investigate and/or learn a ‘life lesson’ oh joy : )

I could tell you that I know exactly what I did and I do know, I’m not exactly ecstatic about my discovery, oh dear wahahaha you mean I’m not perfect? Actually it’s been brought to my attention that I am perceived at times to be a ‘defensive’ person (crushing news) not sure I like that. I like to think of myself as ’self protective’ but let’s examine the difference just for the heck of it, shall we? Why would one be a more palatable explanation than the other and why does the word ‘defensive’ trouble me?

Let’s start with definitions…

Defensive: Constantly protecting oneself from criticism, exposure of one’s shortcomings, or other real or perceived threats to the ego.

Ahhhh, s**t…did they have my picture next to that also? Ohhhh nooooo, I’m melting…in my own defense I can only say that I know my shortcomings intimately, do I really need them pointed out to me by another? I’ll be honest, no. Oh OK, I’ll be more honest, yes but only if you’re trying to be helpful and not just trying to push me into a state of personal agony, so be careful in your wording and think hard about your own reason for wanting to ‘expose’ me, be kind, be gentle…please…and the word ‘constantly’ - OMG, somebody please save me from myself, constantly just sounds exhausting, doesn’t it?? Do I have a fragile ego? Of course, I would answer no. I’ll have to give that more thought, maybe I am an egotistical biagge…and I just don’t know it??

Self protective: behavior serving or designed to protect oneself.

OK, yes I indulge in this to a great extent, I’m usually busy trying to decide if you, any of you, are worthy of my trust, is that such a bad thing? I’ve been led astray and betrayed (haven’t we all?) and I know that I can be gullible and vulnerable to certain behaviors so I tend to take a while to decide how to proceed and to what depth I want a friend/family member/lover involved in my day to day doings. I’ve been criticised and critiqued enough early in life, a large part of me just wants to be left alone from all that noise (but not left alone totally, too lonely…).

So, what does this have to do with my sense of humor? A lot. If I sense even a mild vibe of discord, I resort to finding what’s funny, when I can find nothing funny, nothing good can happen. One aspect is just devoid of humor and it’s incongruent with how I like myself to be…

I’ve got a newsflash for you though, this can be caused by hormonal fluctuations, hee hee, and if I’m in pain my sense of what’s funny gets a back seat ride; hmmm, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it, at least for today, maybe tomorrow the Lilly sans this pain and this mood du jour will change…

It’s likely, very likely bc life is fluid and dynamic, and sometimes just hearing someone else’s story is enough to make me forget all of my own concerns. That and well, cramps can only last so long, hahaha…

So, happy hump day and soon I will be brimming over with laughter once again (one can only hope…)

Ciao for now…